We are never alone.

What can I even say.... I have so much on my mind, and it spins around and around until I've forgotten what goes where, and what's more important.

Paris was incredible, an unforgettable experience. So many people focus on the glamorous fashion and shopping, and the sparkling Eiffel Tower, but being able to see the history, especially the Catholic history, was an experience of a lifetime.

I was able to see Notre Dame, Sainte -Chappelle and its gorgeous stained glass windows, the graves of the royals in St. Denis, and The chapel of the Miraculous Medal, where Mary appeared to St. Catherine.

Paris was gorgeous, as was Turin this past weekend. Turin was Italy's first capital until it was changed to Rome, and the city is rich in Italian culture, with its delicious one of a kind chocolate, wine, and people.

Travelling this much and to all these different and diverse places gives you a whole new perspective on the world, and things that you never thought about before. How could I not be aware of how diverse and rich and absolutely beautiful this world is? It's breathtaking and I never thought that I would be able to experience it.

Just a taste of this world is all I have had. Just a small bite, and all I want is more. I have a deep desire to see absolutely everything, from New York all the way to Australia and back again, because there's no way you can see everything in one lifetime. And one day in each place is just not enough. I've spent almost two months here and Florence, and all I do every day is discover new and amazing things about this beautiful city.

It's left me wondering, why did I never want to do this before? And why was I so quick to disregard everyone else in the world to focus on only myself?

I don't know how God does it. Well, I guess that's why he's God. Who else could create such an incredible world?

Seeing everything and experiencing everything has put so much of my life into a different light. I see things, I see myself differently now. There are so many things that I thought I was, I thought I had myself figured out, but I was wrong. There were so many bad qualities, qualities that I had figured in my life I would have to work on, that maybe just maybe, aren't there anymore.

For my entire life I have believed that my anger problems and issues were holding me back, that they were a dark part of me and of my past that I just couldn't change. In my head I described myself as mean, impatient, tough, angered easily, and selfish.

But now, here, away from everything that's familiar and everyone that I know, I have begun to see things in myself that I never thought were there, things that I now can look back and say that they have been there all along, I am just too harsh on myself to want to believe it.

I'm actually a nice person, and when faced with challenges of controlling my anger or letting it get to me, every time I have been the rational and calm person in the situation. I have kept my head. I'm too giving, everything that I brought with me here I have shared without hesitation, even with a limited supply.

I would like to say that all of that has been me, and as much as my new found optimism and sense of self worth is pushing me to say that, I know it would be a lie. Because it's not me, it never has been me. It's all God. I have known he has been here with me from the very beginning, and he has never let me fall down. There have been so many things that have worked out perfectly even if they were expected to go wrong. Everything that has happened has ended up with a happy ending, and every tear has become a smile.

I could tell you everything, but it would be the longest post of my life, and I have a test to get to in a couple of hours. But there is something about trust, something beautiful and holy about the idea of putting absolutely everything you have into the hands of God. There's something scary and wonderful about buying a plane ticket when you know you'll be travelling alone in a foreign country, and absolutely trusting 100% that everything is going to be okay, because it always always is.

I could cry tears of Joy for the wonderful blessings that I have been given here, and the way that God has shown me that he will never never abandon his children. Even when it seems as though he's not around, he's waiting just around the corner, to hand you something beautiful.

I have never trusted him more in my entire life than I have been this year, and it's making me wonder why I never trusted more before. There's freedom in life when you know you can say, God will take care of it, and not have to worry one bit. Because we are never alone.

Our Struggle

This past weekend I went Munich, Germany for Oktoberfest. Before we went to the festival we took a bike tour around the city. Out of the countless historical places we passed, saw, and learned about, there were two that stuck out in my mind. The two monuments that were dedicated to Nazi resisters, German citizens in World War II who were openly against the largest and most dangerous political party in their country.

The first monument was for seven young student resisters, who attempted to pass out pamphlets in their school in order to alert people to what was really happening during the war. A brother and sister were the first to be caught, and after being starved and tried, they refused to give up the other members of the group, and were sentenced to death by Guillotine. Throughout the rest of the war the other five were eventually caught and killed. It was mean to be a statement to the German people, that resistance would not be tolerated, however it had the complete opposite effect, and people began to fight back.

The second monument, a simple golden line on the cobblestones on the street, was for an even larger group of people. During the war, after Hitler came to power, he put in a Nazi memorial on the street perpendicular to this one, to honor the fallen soldiers that dies years earlier during his first attempt to take over Munich, the reason he was jailed (when he wrote Mein Kampf or My Struggle). The people of Germany were expected to do the Nazi salute whenever they passed the memorial, and if they did not comply they were beaten by German soldiers patrolling the area. So those who refused, began to cut across this street to get to where they were going, avoiding the monument altogether. When the soldiers figured out what was being done, they immediately began to watch for these people, recorded who they were, sought them out, and killed them and their families. This memorial was put there for them, and their bravery.

As I heard these stories, it took all of my energy to hold back tears. How afraid these people must have been, and yet how brave they were. To resist and to face death, an end they must have known was coming, and yet they did not back down. And how cowardly are we, when we lie to avoid a confrontation, or we deny what we believe to avoid conflict? I know I have been that cowardly at points in my life.

Sometimes I wonder, when faced with such a challenge, would most of us back down? or would we fight to the very end, until death? They are martyrs, and they should be commemorated as such, if I was given the opportunity, would I be brave enough to be a martyr?

My first instinct is to say no, I do not have nearly enough faith in myself to be a confident yes. But maybe even if it's a no right now, it's still a no that's on its way to a yes.

How many times have we, when someone asks us why it is we go to church on Sundays, with a sneer and a judgmental brow, have brushed it off as not a big deal? How many times do we, choose instead to do something else other than going to church, or bible study, or confession when we should have been? How many times have we, forgotten who it is that gave us life in the first place, and that it actually doesn't belong to us, but to Him.

I do these things all the time. And when I remember I am so sorry that I ever forgot in the first place. Because I want to be like a martyr, I want to say yes even when everyone else is saying no, and even when with saying yes it might cost me my life. Because I gave my life away the minute I gave it to God, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hearing those stories made me realize... I want to pray every day for the strength of that Yes. That Yes that echoed in Mary's words at the visitation, the Yes in the blood of Christ as he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. The Yes of those German martyrs, whose innocence and bravery will be remembered forever. I want to say my own Yes, and it's a struggle that lasts a lifetime, but if it's not my life to live, then there is nothing else that would give me greater pleasure than the sacrifice of a Yes.

I am.

This past month has been the hardest month I have ever endured, but yet it has been the most amazing. I have been in more places than I ever though I would see, and have experienced more things than I ever thought I would.

It's been difficult however. I have learned so much about myself, about other people, and about where I belong in life. and it always has been and always will be with God in the Catholic church. It's interesting when you realize where you fit, it's like you're a puzzle piece left over and wedged inside the game cupboard. But when someone finds you and puts you back in your place on the puzzle, you feel snug and comfortable, and you can't even remember how it was that you strayed away.

These past few weeks I have spent complaining and being upset about my situation, my social situation that is. After all the problems and the wondering where I went wrong, and what in the world I could do to fix it, I finally realized that it wasn't so bad after all. Yeah i don't have someone to rely on, someone who will always be there, but maybe I was looking in the wrong place, maybe that person isn't actually a person at all, but someone who is always watching over me from above, and who has given me everything in this world, everything that I could ever ask for and more.

I told my parents today that I was doing better. Nothing had really changed, except for me that is. The first thing my dad said was that there was nothing wrong with that. There was nothing wrong with being alone, without a group or someone to rely on. That maybe this time was for me. My mom said she was glad because she was worried about me, but my dad said he wasn't, he knew I could handle anything, and that whatever happened I would be ok.

I had forgotten the most important thing. I had forgotten that I am Felicity Rose Landa, strong, independent, stubborn, impatient, tough as nails, organized, smart, strong-willed, and in desperate need of anger management.

It's hard for anyone to be alone. And I'm not saying it's going to be easy. At this point, even though my microphone on my computer doesn't work and I can't talk to people at home, one of my best friends and the only person who would really understand what I'm going through isn't around to talk to, and there's no one here who knows me enough to want to listen and to actually care, I'm stuck.

But I'm not just stuck. I'm also Felicity Rose Landa, and if anyone can make the best of a weird situation, and stay strong and independent, it's me.